To love someone.

If you want to love someone
You always have to love
You first.

Maybe that’s the most
Difficult thing.
Isn’t it? 

Photograph: HAMED MASOUMI

Some Kind of Darkness.

“You never told me something about that.”, I scream. You show me your bored face. “Why should I’ve told you something about it. It’s not your thing.”, you answer, while you ty not to look into my eyes. I’m scared. I’m fucking scared.

The darkness around us makes a scarifying ambience. The fog covers that area with the touch of a Silent Hill-game. I’m looking for some zombies, but there is no one. Just those two people, who don’t want to speak. The water crashes down the waterfall and your face seems to change every time I try to look into it.

It’s like the picture of Dorian Gray. Your face, slowly, shows every destruction, every bad thing, which has happened in your life. You aren’t that smart girl, I thought to know. You would have been scared, if you looked in a mirror. But you only stare at the floor. That dusty darkness. Your breath. Only the kiss of a stone on my heart. It hurts.

‘You should hold me’, I hear you. But you don’t say a word. Maybe, it was just one of your thoughts. But I can’t hold you, I’m afraid of touching you. I’m afraid of sitting next to you. You’ve changed. Even your smile seems dreadfuller than before.

It’s the last day of May. The sun has brightened the day but now. Everything has changed. No helpful word, no more laughter. I’m not really sure, if I want to see you again. I get up, look at you the last time, and then I go away.

Where should I go? Where should I leave my footsteps on. It’s a vicious circle. A catch-22. Every place I go, I hear your breathing and everytime I look at the stars, I remember that one day. When we lied on the street, watching the Great Wagon. I need to crash all of your things you’ve left. You don’t even talk to me, when you see me the next time. I don’t want to speak to you, anyway. But I’m afraid of our next meeting. Which will take place. I’m not quite sure whether I will shout at you all that damn things, you’ve done to me.

You’ve always told me, that I should tell you something about my feelings. I wasn’t able to. I didn’t want to tell you something, because you were the reason for most of my problems. Telling you something about my problems is like telling George W. Bush something about the Iraq war, isn’t it?

Weeks or months ago, I thought, we met too early. You were to young, to have a full-time relationship. But now, I know, that you’re just someone. Oh, damn. I don’t want to write it here. I hope, I’ll never see again. But I’m fucking quite sure, that we won’t.

Yeah, that’s nearly my very first English text here. It’s something that came to my mind, while sitting outside and listening to nice music. The darkness is real and the thoughts are fact. That shouldn’t be the problem. Isn’t it normal to be angry about someone, which you really like, and who is unwilling to put some energy into a friendship. I think, thats normal. But I’m looking for my very first e-mail for DSDS. By the way.

Round Here.

The end. And the beginning of something.

Today, it’s Ash Wednesday. No meat at all, only fish and cheese. Well, this isn’t an horrible idea for me. I like fish and I like cheese. It’s a day in my routine. Nothing extraordinary. And after my work at my community service, I came home. My relatives, living kilometres away, came to us suprisingly. It’s was wonderful, to see them, my aunts, my uncle … and my old grandmother.

And afterwards, I went to my last therapy. I wasn’t quite sure, if it’s very intelligent to go every week to the psychologican. I don’t have any topics to talk about. And so we finished everything and revued the last five or six hours. The therapy was very important. It helps me, to accept my attitudes, and myself as a wonderful person. And I think that’s a good feeling. I was able to see my role in my family, was able to get over everything, which happened after the death of my nephew and I was able to finish loving my ex-girlfriend. The therapy was great. I’m not quite sure, whether I should be happy about the end or not. Well.

Today, Austria plays again Germany in a soccer match. We (Austria) lost 3:0, although we played wonderful. It’s one of the last matches till the beginning of the European soccer Championship in Austria and Switzerland. I think, it will be great to be part of it. Maybe I’ll write something here, to tell you, what has happend jet. But you’ve to wait for another 123 days. But maybe it isn’t very interesting for you. My American readers don’t have any chance to take part, and my readers of Great Britain lost there chance. Well. You will see.

Hanginaround

Everyday, for some days, everything is in the colour of carneval, our so-called Fasching.

I have to admit, that I hate carneval. For people at my age, it’s that time, where everything is okay. Drinking too much alcohol, being rude and everything. Being happy and funny for some days, just because it’s tradition. I think that’s stupid. I don’t want to put on a costume, don’t want to be someone else. And therefore, I went to work today totally normal.

The good thing at carneval is, that I was allowed to leave work three hours earlier. I thought, that I could sleep for some hours, because I’m still tired of the last weekend. I was in the city, there, as a sad clown. Yeah, I took on a costume, just because of a birthday party. It was a funny night, of course, but I think I’m getting to old.

Tomorrow, there’s Ash Wednesday, the beginning of the Lenten season. I think that I will follow that old tradition, that Christian and Catholic idea of putting away the bad things. I think I will take these days to get contented of myself. Maybe I’ll be able to.

And after the Super Tuesday today in the United States, I’m looking to the results. I hope that Barack Obama will get his chance. My political idea agrees on the Democratic ideology. And Obama has that kind of charisma and the rethorical power. I know, I can’t chance the results, but it would be great, if a young black guy will become president of the United States. I think that it would make all the bad things in the world better. And if Obama is able to change the things, he’s speaking about, it would be wonderful for the people in the U.S.

So, now, I’ve to go to bed, because I’ve to get up tomorrow as early as every day till April, 18th. Then, I’ll have finished my community service, and there will be only five months, till I will start to study. Ah, it’s so exciting.

Come Lay Down.

Since I know the real meaning of friendship, I never want to leave without it.

There was a time. When I thought, that I had more than a hundred of friends. I always have known, that I polarize. There is that group, which seems to hate me, and the other group. The so-called friends. It took quite a long time, till I recognized, that only, I don’t know, four or five people think that they hate me. Although, they didn’t know me at all. And the others ar only in acquaintanceship to me. Nothing more.

At the age of fifteen, at our project week in Carinthia, my first real friendship has started. To a girl. Yeah. Everybody says that this couldn’t work for a long time. Well, we had our sexual contact, we tried to be more, we were young, we were stupid. Then minutes before the split-up, another try. And since that time, more than two years are over. She’s still my best friend. She walked with me through my heartsickness, through all the dark times, through the death of my nephew. She’s always there. And that’s why I love her.

And after I get in contact with that feeling of friendship, I got more and more best friends. I don’t know, at maximum, that’s ten or fifteen people. From different places, with different opinions. And it’s wonderful. But my very first best friend has something like a cult status in my life. She was always there. She walked with me through that dark forest and through all the sunny days. She’s great.

We all change. Everybody’s changing, Keane sang. But we are able to renew our friendship at every time we meet. And that’s why, I love all my friends. It took a long time, three quarters of my age today, till I get in contact. But now, I don’t wana miss a thing friend.