All Sorts Of Mistakes.

This is the end, I know. [1]

That day will be the first day of the last week of my community service. Today, it’s Monday. I’m tired and my toothache hurts a little bit, sometimes. I thought, that I would feel good, when the weather’s fine and the community service will end soon. But I don’t feel cool, feel cool at all [2]. Nothing’s going right today, cos’ nothing ever does [3]. I always think of her. She didn’t call me, didn’t try to get in contact. I only wanted to see her again, wanted to speak to her, I thought, that we could be friends. Lover, you should’ve come over [4], I thought, we were different, that we could make that crazy thing possible. Be we can’t. You can’t. You don’t know, that you’ll lose one of the most wonderful person. It’s over now, Baby Blue [5]. I really feel, that I’m losing my best friend. I can’t believe this could be, the end [6].

Five days. And then, I can look back on nine months of my community service. There’s no other way [7]. It’s over and I’m going to have more than a month free time. In April, I will go by train through Austria. Two days and 9 metropoles. Is it possible, I don’t know. But why shouldn’t I try it? And then, I will go to Vienna twice that month, to see Adam Green on Saturday, 26th and Clueso, a German artist on Sunday, 27th. I’m really looking forward to that dates. Those will be wonderful days, I think. And after all, I can say: I was traveling through the country, traveling with the Bundesbahn [8].

Next month, I will celebrate my birthday. Then I will be 20 years old. There are twenty years to go. It will be interesting and I hope that my life gets the possibility to go in the right direction. So many things have to change. I’m sad of the things I’ve lost in the last few months. I hope, that I’ll find someone to live. Someone to die for [9]. Maybe I’ll find someone, who loves and can be loved. My mother will celebrate her birthday too in summer. She will be 50 years old. And at her “party”, I don’t want to be the last single there. That role, I had at the wedding of my cousins, 2006 and 2007. 2006 I fell in love two or three months later and 2007 I tried to fell out of love. And now, at the age of 20, I don’t want to be that guy, who is always alone.

And I’m looking forward to my time in Vienna. I want to know, how it is. That feeling. “I woke up in a strange place [10]“. That time will be great. Breath-taking, I think. Maybe, my blog will grow bigger and bigger and some people know me, when they see me on the street. That would be a fascinating thing. Really. Maybe. And in October, I want to say to myself: Well. I. Made everyday like a holiday [11]. That would be great. And so it is. Just like you said. You leave my life, I’m better off. Dead. [12]

[1] Sunrise Avenue – Fairytales Gone Bad
[2] Ryan Adams – Rock’n'Roll
[3] Richard Ashcroft – Break The Night With Colour
[4] Jeff Buckley – Lover, You Should’ve Come over.
[5] Falco – It’s Over Now, Baby Blue
[6] No Doubt – Don’t Speak
[7] Jack Johnson – No Other Way
[8] Helmut Qualtinger – Bundesbahnblues
[9] Jimmy Gnecco feat. Brian May – Someone To Die For
[10] Jeff Buckley – I Woke Up In A Strange Place
[11] Jeff Buckley – Je N’en Connais Pas Le Fin
[12] The Verve – The Drugs Don’t Work

Looking Back.

Nearly twenty years ago I was born. It wasn’t something special. But twenty years later, many things have changed.

I had a wonderful childhood. My parents always wanted the best for me. My sister showed my “the dark side of the world”, but she was always there, in time of need. The elementary school was more or less lowbrow, and grammar school started good again. But I didn’t like the class I was put into. I got bad marks, failed, and came in a new, a better class. I got real friends for the first time. And that’s a good feeling.

With eleven years I felt in love with my sandbox love. It hurt, when she walked away with someone who was called a friend. It was my first heartsickness and one of the worst. With thirteen I found another girl, with whom I wanted to live till my end. Nothing has happened, but it was a very good lesson for me. And then, I fell in love into a girl, which was maybe interested in me, but I was to … oafish to act normal. This last three years. And this time, the pain was unbelieveable. Now, she’s a good friend. Then I met my best friend, Elisabeth. With her I walked through the cloudiest days and jumped into the sunniest fields. After the first liaison, everything seemed to split up. But we are still best friends. And that shows me the power of a great friendship.

Then, I met my exgirlfriend. She was wonderful, it was amazing, how she looked at me. With her smile and her eyes. Everything seemed perfect. Then the end. The next try. The real split-up. It took a long time, till I was able to get over her. Now, I think that I’m fine with her. I would like her in my circle of friends, and maybe this will somewhere along the way.

Now, I’m 19 years old. In May, I will become twenty. Two decades Dominik. An interesting thought. There will be more of that retro-stuff. It’s funny and interesting and disturbing to look into the past.

Internal Dialogue.

Why do things have to change. Again. And Again.

Now I’m lying in my bed, enormously tired but still awake. Where are you? My live, which always tries to show me the good things in it. Today I feel the hatred inside me. Everything feels strange, bad and everything has changed. And I don’t like change at all. It’s hard to live in this new life, although it still feels like my old one. My working day at the community service was horrible, my boss was crazy, and I myself was tired and tried to get access to the worldwideweb.

It’s hard to believe, that no one can stay the same. Now, I’m at the point, where I hate to go back to the community service at all. It’s a dreadful feeling, but I don’t have any connection to my work, I feel senseless and strange. I don’t know. No one ever could feel the way I do. About everything. Everyone. Damn. Life’s a piece of shit.

At home, everything seems very normal, everything has its routine. It won’t take long till I will find my way back into it. But I think that something must change, everywhere, in every part of that amazing life. Because today I feel a little bit burnt out. And yeah, it’s not a great feeling. And so I will close my eyes for today. I would like to dream, would like to see everything back at its right place. I don’t like the chaos. Don’t like it at all.

Sometimes.

I went through many days, since my last entry. Nothing really amazing has happened, but somehow everything’s different.

This week I’m happy about the weather, which shows its best side. Ten or fourteen degrees Celsius let start my memory, thinking of my very best spring and the most wonderful summer. Well, I like winter, like the snow and the ice. But the last weeks I walked through many foggy places. It was a little bit depressing, and I was able to see on the faces around me, that they don’t feel any better. I know that winter isn’t over, but I could say, that I’ve seen the light. And hey, the day gets longer and the night shortens up.

I’m still in therapy. Talking about my life, my love, my family, the roles I fell into, my dreams and my thoughts. It’s very interesting to see me from another point of view. I’ve learned many things, why there are problems, and why my family seems so dreadful. And I recognized that many times it’s my fault. The therapy helps me so much, and I think it would be stupid if I quit that thing.

Today, my ex-girlfriend has her birthday. She’s now seventeen years old, and after our argument last December I thought, that it would be better, if this were the definite end of our friendship. Yesterday I wrote her an e-mail. I apologized, because I think that it could have been so much better. I was an idiot, well, an idiot in love, but an idiot. I congratulated her to her birthday and wrote her my thoughts and my experiences of my last months. I’m not waiting on an answer, but I would be happy, if there were something in my e-mail-account, of course.

Do you know the definition of a BarCamp? Many bloggers come to one place, talk about different things and get to know each other. Tomorrow there will be my very first BarCamp at Vienna. I will sleep at my cousins place, and it think it will be a wonderful time till Sunday. And, I’m really happy, that I will meet Luca, another blogger, which I only know in the virtual way. It will be interesting, won’t it?

This month I’ve started my new book project. Maybe I want to tell something out of the story. The main character is a twenty-year-old student (oh, what a surprise), and on his way to Vienna, he meets a nice woman. They start to talk, but then she has to leave the train. Life goes on, but when he goes by train the next week, she’s there again. And so they always have that hour in the train, talking about life and philosophize about everything. The book should show the difference between the things, how they happen, and how somebody talks about it. I think it will be very interesting and if the result impresses me, I will look for a publisher.

So, I think I should come to an end. Well, I’m looking for more sunny, warm days. I love my life and I really like how things are changing. Maybe I’ll find more time to write more entries here, and I want to show you the Project 52. This photography-project is really great. Every week there’s a topic, and many bloggers think about interesting and creative things. So, and therefore I will post the project-entries here too. So, it’s fine.

The Countdown.

It’s not important to use any stupid phrases for telling you, that something has changed.

One number. From seven to eight. Yeah, this entry comes far too late, but I wasn’t really motivated to tell you something about me during my so-called holidays. Well, I had to work, but I was alone at home. Me, myself and I.

New Year’s Eve was very nice. I spent the time with some friends, drinking non-alcoholic drinks, watching the fireworks all around us and laughing about things, which only we can understand. My plans were different, I admit. I wanted to spend that time at home, watching stupid TV-stuff, drinking alcohol and going to bed at 1 am. But it was a good decision to join that party.

The next few days – I was alone at home – I decided to drive to my grandmother’s home. That’s the place were the family spent time together. In that house, there lives my cousin with his wife and his son. And, since two months after that tragedy, my sister and her friend too. Spending time with that girl, I’m related to. The girl, I sometimes tried to hate. But time has changed. My sister has become a wonderful part in my idea of family.

It was a strange time. I nearly ate anything. But the time was wonderful. And although I loved that time, I was happy, when my parents came back from their holidays. It was good to have a fulfilled home. To talk about my last therapy-session. And smoke some cigarettes with my mother.

Last Thursday, I was at the graveyard at my nephew’s grave. And thinking about the things I’ve planned to do with him, and thinking of the smile he brought to my mother’s face, and the tears that followed. And still follow.

At the turn of the year, after the countdown and the start of the waltz, my thoughts go through the last year. It was a wonderful year. I finished my school, got my driving-licence, and had ten wonderful months. Till the death of my nephew, the year changed. Well, I was melancholic the whole year through, because the end of my relationship to a girl, and all the strange feelings I had. But the surprising death made the world a little bit darker. And more dreadful. He’s now on the brighter side. And my world, the world I live in, lightens up too.

Life has changed, but there won’t be any time, where everything stands still. And I didn’t make any promises at New Year’s Eve. I won’t stop smoking, won’t stop everything I like. I just said: “This year will be better than the last one.” And the last one was, except the last two months, a good year. This year will be better.