Losing a friend, I’ve never seen

Memories.

Well, here are some pictures I’ve found in a social network out there.

//August2006

// Summer2006

//Schoolyear2005

//Summer06

All Sorts Of Mistakes.

This is the end, I know. [1]

That day will be the first day of the last week of my community service. Today, it’s Monday. I’m tired and my toothache hurts a little bit, sometimes. I thought, that I would feel good, when the weather’s fine and the community service will end soon. But I don’t feel cool, feel cool at all [2]. Nothing’s going right today, cos’ nothing ever does [3]. I always think of her. She didn’t call me, didn’t try to get in contact. I only wanted to see her again, wanted to speak to her, I thought, that we could be friends. Lover, you should’ve come over [4], I thought, we were different, that we could make that crazy thing possible. Be we can’t. You can’t. You don’t know, that you’ll lose one of the most wonderful person. It’s over now, Baby Blue [5]. I really feel, that I’m losing my best friend. I can’t believe this could be, the end [6].

Five days. And then, I can look back on nine months of my community service. There’s no other way [7]. It’s over and I’m going to have more than a month free time. In April, I will go by train through Austria. Two days and 9 metropoles. Is it possible, I don’t know. But why shouldn’t I try it? And then, I will go to Vienna twice that month, to see Adam Green on Saturday, 26th and Clueso, a German artist on Sunday, 27th. I’m really looking forward to that dates. Those will be wonderful days, I think. And after all, I can say: I was traveling through the country, traveling with the Bundesbahn [8].

Next month, I will celebrate my birthday. Then I will be 20 years old. There are twenty years to go. It will be interesting and I hope that my life gets the possibility to go in the right direction. So many things have to change. I’m sad of the things I’ve lost in the last few months. I hope, that I’ll find someone to live. Someone to die for [9]. Maybe I’ll find someone, who loves and can be loved. My mother will celebrate her birthday too in summer. She will be 50 years old. And at her “party”, I don’t want to be the last single there. That role, I had at the wedding of my cousins, 2006 and 2007. 2006 I fell in love two or three months later and 2007 I tried to fell out of love. And now, at the age of 20, I don’t want to be that guy, who is always alone.

And I’m looking forward to my time in Vienna. I want to know, how it is. That feeling. “I woke up in a strange place [10]“. That time will be great. Breath-taking, I think. Maybe, my blog will grow bigger and bigger and some people know me, when they see me on the street. That would be a fascinating thing. Really. Maybe. And in October, I want to say to myself: Well. I. Made everyday like a holiday [11]. That would be great. And so it is. Just like you said. You leave my life, I’m better off. Dead. [12]

[1] Sunrise Avenue – Fairytales Gone Bad
[2] Ryan Adams – Rock’n'Roll
[3] Richard Ashcroft – Break The Night With Colour
[4] Jeff Buckley – Lover, You Should’ve Come over.
[5] Falco – It’s Over Now, Baby Blue
[6] No Doubt – Don’t Speak
[7] Jack Johnson – No Other Way
[8] Helmut Qualtinger – Bundesbahnblues
[9] Jimmy Gnecco feat. Brian May – Someone To Die For
[10] Jeff Buckley – I Woke Up In A Strange Place
[11] Jeff Buckley – Je N’en Connais Pas Le Fin
[12] The Verve – The Drugs Don’t Work

Restless.

Time has come to change my mood. But time’s still unreliable.

You choose the pain, that crushes down at me. I’m here. In that small bureau. At that desk, the monitor in front of me. The radio plays the wrong music. And my mood mirrors the weather outside. It’s cold and it’s snowing. Winter hasn’t gone yet. Spring hasn’t got enough courage, to show its sun and its warm breeze. The weather is freaky cold and I don’t really know, what’s happening inside of me.

You are that girl, I can’t get out of my head. I thought, that everything will be alright. Will be alright, when you’ll meet me the next time. Nothing’s alright. Everything’s a mess. I don’t know, how you can do that. You have to power to make me small, to shut my eyes. I don’t want you to do that. But I’ve no possibility to change you. You won’t change. Nothing’s gonna change.

And I laugh. As it all comes crashing down. All comes down and I can’t save myself. Why can’t you just leave my life. Why can’t I just forget people I’ve known. Well, maybe, I don’t really want to erase you. That would go too far. Too far. Far too far. I don’t need you, but I don’t want to lose you. That would be horrible. As horrible as you are. You, and all your thoughts and feelings in my head and heart.

Looking Back.

Nearly twenty years ago I was born. It wasn’t something special. But twenty years later, many things have changed.

I had a wonderful childhood. My parents always wanted the best for me. My sister showed my “the dark side of the world”, but she was always there, in time of need. The elementary school was more or less lowbrow, and grammar school started good again. But I didn’t like the class I was put into. I got bad marks, failed, and came in a new, a better class. I got real friends for the first time. And that’s a good feeling.

With eleven years I felt in love with my sandbox love. It hurt, when she walked away with someone who was called a friend. It was my first heartsickness and one of the worst. With thirteen I found another girl, with whom I wanted to live till my end. Nothing has happened, but it was a very good lesson for me. And then, I fell in love into a girl, which was maybe interested in me, but I was to … oafish to act normal. This last three years. And this time, the pain was unbelieveable. Now, she’s a good friend. Then I met my best friend, Elisabeth. With her I walked through the cloudiest days and jumped into the sunniest fields. After the first liaison, everything seemed to split up. But we are still best friends. And that shows me the power of a great friendship.

Then, I met my exgirlfriend. She was wonderful, it was amazing, how she looked at me. With her smile and her eyes. Everything seemed perfect. Then the end. The next try. The real split-up. It took a long time, till I was able to get over her. Now, I think that I’m fine with her. I would like her in my circle of friends, and maybe this will somewhere along the way.

Now, I’m 19 years old. In May, I will become twenty. Two decades Dominik. An interesting thought. There will be more of that retro-stuff. It’s funny and interesting and disturbing to look into the past.