And the stars don’t mean nothing to you

I try to forget. Try to be not that kind of person, who isn’t able to come over something. But I ain’t. I can’t forget. It’s always in my mind and it won’t go away, till I have the uncertainty I need. Everything could be possible. I just wanna try. And I can’t stop to remember. You’re always in my heart. The only thing, I’m afraid of, is, that the stars don’t mean nothing to you. The are just stars.

For me, they aren’t. Stars are one of the most exciting things every human can see. Small lights at the abyss. Something very special. I love them, and I remember the day, we were lying on the street, watching the stars. It was cold and I didn’t want to talk. I just wanted to watch the stars. I would … yeah.

I would like to be silent. With you. Only with you.

I would like to lay next to you. Completely silent. 

I would like to.

Like.

Like to see you again.

By the way: I’m back.

Photograph: makelessnoise

To love someone.

If you want to love someone
You always have to love
You first.

Maybe that’s the most
Difficult thing.
Isn’t it? 

Photograph: HAMED MASOUMI

Mirror.

The lake mirrors the trees. It’s dark, here at that place.

That lonely small lake. A place for many of my memories. Here, we, you and me, we spent so many wonderful days and nights. Here, we startet our relationship again, after that end, nobody really had wanted. Yesterday I sat there at that footbridge. The darkness walked around in a soften, silent move. I saw the sun went down. I saw the ducks swam away.

The mirror became darker and darker and everything, that’s mirrored at that lake, is something like my own memories. The memories become darker and darker. Since days it’s harder than ever to think about you. You made my live complete and you smashed all my hopes and dreams. The mirror distorted all my memories.

I sat there at that footbridge, and I waited. Waited for you. You only live metres away from that place. But I didn’t try to call you, I didn’t ring the bell. I wanted that place to be alone. Alone with my memories, with that darkness. Alone with me and the ghost of you. You were wonderful. In that mirror.

If that mirror could talk. What would it say. Wouldn’t it be nice, to hear all the stories of ourselves? Wouldn’t it be nice, if we spent some time here together. Wouldn’t it be nice, if we tried to be friends? But that mirror couldn’t talk. And down by the lake, I waited. Waited for something new.

All Sorts Of Mistakes.

This is the end, I know. [1]

That day will be the first day of the last week of my community service. Today, it’s Monday. I’m tired and my toothache hurts a little bit, sometimes. I thought, that I would feel good, when the weather’s fine and the community service will end soon. But I don’t feel cool, feel cool at all [2]. Nothing’s going right today, cos’ nothing ever does [3]. I always think of her. She didn’t call me, didn’t try to get in contact. I only wanted to see her again, wanted to speak to her, I thought, that we could be friends. Lover, you should’ve come over [4], I thought, we were different, that we could make that crazy thing possible. Be we can’t. You can’t. You don’t know, that you’ll lose one of the most wonderful person. It’s over now, Baby Blue [5]. I really feel, that I’m losing my best friend. I can’t believe this could be, the end [6].

Five days. And then, I can look back on nine months of my community service. There’s no other way [7]. It’s over and I’m going to have more than a month free time. In April, I will go by train through Austria. Two days and 9 metropoles. Is it possible, I don’t know. But why shouldn’t I try it? And then, I will go to Vienna twice that month, to see Adam Green on Saturday, 26th and Clueso, a German artist on Sunday, 27th. I’m really looking forward to that dates. Those will be wonderful days, I think. And after all, I can say: I was traveling through the country, traveling with the Bundesbahn [8].

Next month, I will celebrate my birthday. Then I will be 20 years old. There are twenty years to go. It will be interesting and I hope that my life gets the possibility to go in the right direction. So many things have to change. I’m sad of the things I’ve lost in the last few months. I hope, that I’ll find someone to live. Someone to die for [9]. Maybe I’ll find someone, who loves and can be loved. My mother will celebrate her birthday too in summer. She will be 50 years old. And at her “party”, I don’t want to be the last single there. That role, I had at the wedding of my cousins, 2006 and 2007. 2006 I fell in love two or three months later and 2007 I tried to fell out of love. And now, at the age of 20, I don’t want to be that guy, who is always alone.

And I’m looking forward to my time in Vienna. I want to know, how it is. That feeling. “I woke up in a strange place [10]“. That time will be great. Breath-taking, I think. Maybe, my blog will grow bigger and bigger and some people know me, when they see me on the street. That would be a fascinating thing. Really. Maybe. And in October, I want to say to myself: Well. I. Made everyday like a holiday [11]. That would be great. And so it is. Just like you said. You leave my life, I’m better off. Dead. [12]

[1] Sunrise Avenue – Fairytales Gone Bad
[2] Ryan Adams – Rock’n'Roll
[3] Richard Ashcroft – Break The Night With Colour
[4] Jeff Buckley – Lover, You Should’ve Come over.
[5] Falco – It’s Over Now, Baby Blue
[6] No Doubt – Don’t Speak
[7] Jack Johnson – No Other Way
[8] Helmut Qualtinger – Bundesbahnblues
[9] Jimmy Gnecco feat. Brian May – Someone To Die For
[10] Jeff Buckley – I Woke Up In A Strange Place
[11] Jeff Buckley – Je N’en Connais Pas Le Fin
[12] The Verve – The Drugs Don’t Work

Restless.

Time has come to change my mood. But time’s still unreliable.

You choose the pain, that crushes down at me. I’m here. In that small bureau. At that desk, the monitor in front of me. The radio plays the wrong music. And my mood mirrors the weather outside. It’s cold and it’s snowing. Winter hasn’t gone yet. Spring hasn’t got enough courage, to show its sun and its warm breeze. The weather is freaky cold and I don’t really know, what’s happening inside of me.

You are that girl, I can’t get out of my head. I thought, that everything will be alright. Will be alright, when you’ll meet me the next time. Nothing’s alright. Everything’s a mess. I don’t know, how you can do that. You have to power to make me small, to shut my eyes. I don’t want you to do that. But I’ve no possibility to change you. You won’t change. Nothing’s gonna change.

And I laugh. As it all comes crashing down. All comes down and I can’t save myself. Why can’t you just leave my life. Why can’t I just forget people I’ve known. Well, maybe, I don’t really want to erase you. That would go too far. Too far. Far too far. I don’t need you, but I don’t want to lose you. That would be horrible. As horrible as you are. You, and all your thoughts and feelings in my head and heart.