Merry Christmas.

Everybody’s changing. This will be one of the awfullest christmas ever. I’m sure.

Today, it’s Christmas Eve. The day, we all will come to my grandmother. I know, that time’s changing. I know, that Christmas won’t be like every year. A person died eight weeks ago. It will be horrible. Tears, and silence. And tears.

I won’t get any gift. Just money. But at that day, gifts are unimportant. I’m happy, that I will be with my family. Watching the Christmas tree. And wondering, how life can change while winking. I don’t know, what will happen tonight. I’m a little bit scared. But knowing, that next Christmas will be a little bit better, makes me happy.

We won’t forget him. Won’t forget that time. It’s part of our lives.

And so, i wish you, my dear friend, Mckenzie Boltz, merry Christmas. I hope, that you will have a wonderful time then. Thank you for reading. And thank to all other readers here.

I Ain’t Mad. Am I?

“I’m not mad. No, believe me.”-  “No, you aren’t. But you aren’t able to get over this traumata.” – “Yeah. I know.”

Today, at 5 pm I’ll have my first therapy session. I’ll met my former professor of psychology. And I’m not really sure, how this will be. I’m interested in psychology, but it’s a different point of view, of course, when I’m the client. The patient or something.

Tomorrow I’ll tell you something about my first session. Today, I’m tired, I’m smoking too much cigarettes, till the last conversation, that I had with her. Maybe those few days, which are left of 2007 will be nice. Meeting with friends, drinking coffee with my pregnant cousin and her husband.  Those days will be nice. Yeah. I hope so. Tomorrow, there will always be the concert of the school choir of my former school.

And at Friday, I’ll buy the last gifts to put under the christmas tree. This time should be stressful, but I don’t like stress. And therefore it will be a calm and interesting time. So, I’ll be back before christmas, my wishes will come on time.

This Is The End. You Know.

Another episode of “When Fairtales Gone Bad”, lived by that guy called Ikarus.

“We should talk”, you wrote in your short message. “Yeah.”, I answered. I wasn’t in the mood to write a long text back. I had known it for a long time, that there should be a conversation. But we weren’t able to. Till yesterday. Yesterday we had to power to talk. I lost my hope, that everything will get better, some hours before we met.

Yeah. We accused ourselves. Nothing seems to get better. The love I felt days ago, changed into anger. I was in the mood to shout at you, to cry all the things out, what you did to me, how you treated me. Blithering idiot would be the most intellectual defamation, which swam in my head. We split up. Again. And for the last time I hope.

I hate the way, you think you can tell me things. You are nothing. Nothing but childish. Nothing more. I’m happy that we were able to split. Forever, alternatively for a long time, I hope. I’m happy that now the world can rotate in its nearly normal speed. I don’t want to say, that I hate you. But my feelings seem a little bit strange.

Now, there will be the time after that fucking fairytale. This time will be great. I know. I hope. I pray.

Thrown Away.

I’m back. After some times without any blogpost here, I’m able to tell you something, which has changed since that time.

Nearly two weeks till Christmas. I’m not really looking forward to that day. No. I’m looking forward to a BarCamp in Vienna next January. I love that city and in October 08 this will be my “home” for a long time, I hope.

Yesterday, I wrote a long e-mail to my ex-girlfriend. Telling her, that I loved her every day since the split-up. That I can’t stop thinking of her. That I don’t like the way, she’s acting. Don’t like the things, what she’s doing. And after an e-mail-conversation with my elder cousin, I’m at the point, where I can start to live a life without that woman. It hurts too much. Since more than seven months, I’m always thinking of her. Hoping, that she will come back. Hoping, that everything will be okay. But there’s nothing, which I can call “okay”.

The most stressful week of my community service is over. The company Christmas party was nice and my mag was a hit. Yeah, it took a long time to make it, and therefore I would be unhappy, if I had not get the commendation of the employees.

Since many days it’s raining. There’s no snow anywhere I’m looking. But I’m convinced, that we will have white Christmas. The last days, I was in the cinema again. Watching American Gangster and playing in the gambling house. Every day. Thursday, Friday, Saturday. I don’t know, how much Euros I’ve lost there. Playing dart, basketball and billard. Well, I haven’t lost anything, I really had much fun there.

And so I will end this blog-day with this post, I think. It’s good to be back and I’m hoping that you’re enjoying to read my blog again.

Million Ways.

… I would like to go. A million ways to walk the wrong direction.

Snow and rain. The weather seems okay for that time. It’s nearly winter. Nearly Christmas. I’m happy, that I’ve finished two works today, which I’ve started two or three months before. It’s good to say: “I’ve finished. And, I’m fine”. I’m so happy, but hey, I really can’t jump around, hoping that now, all the stress is gone. The stress still remains.

My mother doesn’t want a gift at Christmas. But this year, it’s the first time, I’ve enough money and ideas to make the best gift. Two minutes ago, I bought two tickets for “Herbert Grönemeyer”, my mother’s favourite artist. She must go to that concert next June. With me.

I’ve to work at the days between Christmas and New Year. And yeah, I’m a little bit happy about that. Those days will be funny, I’m quite sure. No stress. Many spoken words and the knowledge, that it only can get better.

And by the way. I should go to bed now. It’s too late. (yesterday // today I slept at 0.30 am, and yeah, that was too late).