Caring Is Creepy.

I’m happy, when this month is over.

So much things has changed in that November. The death of my nephew, the funeral, the pain. Everything seems so trivial. And the impossibility to speak about my true feelings and thoughts. The feeling, that my friends are the best ones. And that life isn’t as easy as it always seemed to be.

And now, I’m sitting here. Looking out of the window, watching the snow, falling down.  Less than two hours and I’ll be back on my way home. Looking forward to that “cocktailparty” tonight. Some friends and I will come together, mixing some drinks. And yeah, I’m quite sure, that we’ll have fun. That’s a fact. Hopefully.

I’m looking forward to  the new year. What will bring 2008? It just must get better. Because, yeah. I’m convinced, that the life-niveau of that year can’t get lower. It must get better. Please. And so I hope, and wish, and live my life.

Yesterday, I was called by her. Yes, by the girl I just can’t get out of my head. She canceled an invitation. And then, she asked me, why I’m so calm and shortspoken. She really doesn’t realize what she’s doing.

Let Go.

Some quotes of one of the greatest movies ever made. Garden State.

Come here.
Fuck, this hurts so much.

Yeah, I know. But that is life. If nothing else, that’s life, you know. It’s real. Sometimes it fuckin’ hurts. To be honest, it’s sort of all we have.
How are you feelin’?

Safe.
When I’m with you, I feel so safe.
Like I’m home

//

You know that point in your life when you realize that the house that you grew up in isn’t really your home anymore? All of the sudden even though you have some place where you can put your stuff that idea of home is gone.

I still feel at home in my house.

You’ll see when you move out it just sort of happens one day one day and it’s just gone. And you can never get it back. It’s like you get homesick for a place that doesn’t exist. I mean it’s like this rite of passage, you know. You won’t have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start, it’s like a cycle or something. I miss the idea of it. Maybe that’s all family really is. A group of people who miss the same imaginary place.

//

You don’t realize, this is good, this doesn’t happen often in your life. We can work this stuff out. I want to help you, you know? We need each other…

This isn’t a conversation about this being over, it’s, it’s… I’m not, like, putting a period at the end of this, you know, I’m putting, like, an ellipsis on it, cause I’m- I’m- I’m worried that if I don’t figure myself out, if I don’t go like land on my own two feet, then I’m just gonna to mess this whole thing up, and this is too important. I gotta go… you changed my life in four days. This is the beginning of something really big. But right now, I gotta go.

Darkness.

I don’t like the dark.

Every day, when I woke up, it’s half past 5 am. It’s dark outside, the morning sun hasn’t arose yet. I’ve to go in that train for one hour, and when I leave the waggon, more than 30 miles away from home, there is still some darkness left.

Sometimes, the dark clouds and the dreadful mood of the earth hide the sun all day long. At some days I am not able to look into the brightly shining sun. And every day, I can’t see the sun, is an awful, uninteresting, miserable day. That’s a fact.

And when I go by train again, back home, the darkness receives me well every late afternoon. I’m a children of the sun. Three years ago, I spent every day at the lake, with all my friends. I haven’t missed a smile at any day. These are one of the most wonderful memories of my life. A life full of problems. A life full of wonderful days.

When I go to bed, it’s 10 or 11 pm. The last view outside of the window is black. Some lights. But the rest is black. It’s awful.

I’m really looking forward to the next summer. The time between my community service and my years of study. The sun. The trips to Italy or Croatia. The love. The music. Yeah. This will be a wonderful time. I’m sure.

After Midnight.

Not a sound from the pavement.

The day’s gone again. I’m still alive, and my promises aren’t forgotten. I’ll do it, if I have enough energy. I’ll do everything you wanted me to do. I’ll do me a favour, by doing everything for you. You will see at my face, and you can’t realize what you can see. I’ve changed. So many things have changed.

But when I see into your eyes, and you see into my ones, you’ll recognize the love, which I still feel for you. I’m an unexpected warrior, fighting for nothing more than a kiss and five minutes of you, listening to me. I’ve sent you a short-message, I’ve called you today. Maybe you’ll find the time to follow us having fun and drinking cocktails at a friend’s place.

But I’m sure you’ll find a reason to stay away. You maybe don’t know that you’ll hurt me again, if you won’t come. I’m really looking forward to that day. All my friends will be there. And therefore, I would like to have your presence there. Just to know, that all the people I love are there. Most of them, I love in a friendly way of course. But you. Well. You know.

I should sleep. Since two hours, my dear. But I still write. Waiting on the fantastic idea, which can change my feelings for you. Or which can change your feelings for me. But I’m at the point, where I will do everything, I’ll change everything, just to know, that we still make another try.

My Home. And The Doctor.

Waking up. Headache, earache and sore throat. And the decision to stay at home today. My first time I’m away sick.

I must admit. The aches are nearly gone, I’m feeling a little bit better now, at midday. I’m watching a musical-show at the national tv-station. And I’m looking for something to do.

Today, in the evening, I’ll go the my doctor. Tell him about everything that go wrong with my body.  The rash on my back, the thing in my face, my upcoming stomach cramps. Now I’m really interested into my doctor’s opinion.

The night has gone to fast. The shower in the morning let me awake. I’m here. With nothing to do and so much time. Time. If you need it, you surely won’t get it. If you really have no use, you have an enormous amount of time.
The weather in Austria is extreme. Snow and frozen streets. Temperatures below zero. And thousands and hundred thousands of Austrians are ill, I’m sure. Me too. But hey. One day at home isn’t the worst thing you can get. I think I need that day to cure finally.

Maybe my next post will be barely literary again. My creativity is ill too, I think.

And therefore, good morning and a wonderful day or something. And well. That’s it.