Friday. As Usual.

Well, I was able to persuade my daddy for using his notebook. And therefore you’ll hear me this weekend too. Well, here in Austria, it’s 7pm. And therefore I’ve much time for thinking. I can hardly believe that my first month of my community service is over. It’s great. But, damn, it will last for 8 more months.

Why do I stay at home, it’s friday, it’s weekend. Well, I’m too tired. I need time for myself and in my opinion, saturday is the better friday. Tomorrow I’ll meet my friends for a night just for males. I think that will be funny. I know my male friends. And that guy, where the party takes place, has a Wii. And you must know … I love Wii. Maybe I’ll buy me one. Well, I don’t really know what to write … I’ll be back tomorrow.

Gebloggt mit Flock

Nothing’s Going Right Today. Cos Nothing Ever Does.

I know, I have to share my family system with you, before I can start talking about these damn last days. It isn’t very interesting, but it’s very important for understanding. I have a father, 52 years old. He works very much, is a local politician and in my opinion he missed all the years of my grow up. He had never any time for his family, with the excuse, that someone has to earn the money for the family. The next person in my family, and for me the most important is my mum, 49 years old. She’s the contact point for everyone in the family. She knows all the worries, tries to make everything better and I think, if it goes on for another two or three years, she will be mentally disordered. And therefore I try to make any worries, and if she has problems, if she needs help, if she needs someone to speak with, I’m here for her.

And now, I’ve to introduce you to my sister. She’s going to be 22 this month. Well, she’s the problem child. She quitted school, after making threats on someone’s life, as I know. She began a apprenticeship to become a dentist’s assistent. After changing the working place she became pregnant by her ex-friend. She recognized it when she was in the fifth month … and well, that’s strange. Yeah, she splitted up with her ex-friend, with which she tried to live a normal life. Well, her son Timotheé was born, and she found a new friend. An apparently normal guy. The rent an appartement, and they always show themselves as the best couple on earth. And since some days everythings seems to change. They quarrel about something anybody knows what it is. She packed his bags and took the key of the appartement, which is paid by both. She seems becoming kind of mad.

Well, and therefore since yesterday we’re having many loud discussions about it. My daddy is seemingly convinced, that everything will be better, if he yells. But it doesn’t. It makes all worse. My mum becomes the frustration of my dad. And she wants to speak with my sister and her friend. And I? I’m talking to my mother. Although I only want to sit in front of my notebook, writing stuff, and listening to music. But it’s hard to concentrate if the world arounds you seems to change.

Again. I Got Noticed.

I have never thought, that I would feel this feeling again. It’s too soon, says my brain. It’s the perfect time, says my heart. I believe, that my heart is right. I always do, what my heart says. Not always, one time, I follow my brain’s suggestion. And I think, it wasn’t the wrong decision.

Today I saw her again. That one girl, I can’t get out of my head. That one girl, I haven’t speak any intelligent words. That one girl made the first step today. She started talking. I began answering. You can’t believe, how much I love her smile. And her voice too. She’s such a beautiful young woman. And she began to talk. She did the first step. Why did she? Is there ulterior motive? I think I’ll tell her my name tomorrow … such a thing like “By the way, my name is Dominik”.

She needn’t to tell me her name. I still know him. She’s Melanie. And, damn, she’s so wonderful. I’ve to speak to her. Like a normal nineteen-year-old in … erm … love. Keeping my distance, but always remaining sapid. I need to meet her, anywhere, anytime. Anyhow.

She would be is perfect. Although I know, that anybody’s perfect. But she’s … well nearly perfect.

The Next Week’s. Coming.

Well, I’m sitting here in this office, doing my community service. I really don’t understand what I’m doing for the community. I only really do stressful work two days a week, and the rest I’m sitting enormously bored. But I’ve enough time to surf through the world wide web. And, believe it or not, here I’ve the best ideas.

Next week, there will be uninteresting variation of this normal course of life. From Sept 5th to Sept 6th I’ve do go by train in the total different direction. Because of my community service, a refreshment of my first aid course is compulsory. Well, that’s nothing completely useless. But I’ve to do sixteen hours there in Linz (the capital city of Upper Austria) in the space of two days. That means … four hours in the morning, four hours in the afternoon. And I’ve to get up again at 5 am. Because the train leaves my town at 6 am. I have to be in Linz at 7 am. And the course begins at 8 am. That will be hard two days, won’t they.

Well, that’s the only thing, when I may to come out of my routine to do something totally different. But I must say in fairness, that the work’s becoming more and more demanding. And that’s absolutely no disadvantage. It’s hard to keep all the time the eyes open, if you haven’t anything to do.

After All. These Years.

While writing yesterday’s post for my German blog I continued thinking about my family. And this fucking poor family-portrait, we would like to show the society. Who are we? We are a family, which doesn’t seem to live.

But the thing, I want to write today, is that I actually would have a brother. But in the year 1984 my mum had a still birth. He should be named “Florian”. I think that’s a wonderful name. And since I know this, since I know, that I could have a brother, I really can’t stop think about him. I can’t remember a day, on what I don’t think about him. He’s in my head. Although I’ve never seen his face.

A very interesting question is, that if Florian had the possibility to live, my parents would have a third child. Would I exist if Florian had? I don’t know. I have to speak to my parents. To my mum, mainly. Although I know, that she doesn’t speak very often about him. I need this for coming to terms with the past.

He would be 23 years old. I think he would be a great brother. And after all these years I’m still sad. Sad, because I think that I had need a brother in the last few years. Maybe this thought is very egoistic. But that’s what I am.